Harry Potter and the trip into reality
by Original Prankster
Summary: Hogwarts get a new DADA teacher... She's scarily agressive with a sense of humour that befits the best muggle... Chapter 3 ~ Snape and the DADA teacher fight... ohhh fisticuffs... suck it and see
1. HP goes to hell

Harry Potter and the trip into reality

I never claimed to own Harry Potter... no matter what the papers say!

Snape watched the Hogwarts express as it was buffed to its usual pre school year shine. House elves desperately needed something to do during the school holidays so they often chose to do this on top of their duties in the castle. One week left until the school was infested again, one week until he had to start teaching mindless school children about ingredients they would soon forget. Another year he had missed out on the defence against the dark arts job, year after year of people who just didn't know what they were talking about. Dumbledore had refused him out of hand, saying he had another in mind, hadn't even considered it despite admitting that he hadn't even asked the new teacher. 

Quietly fuming he turned back towards Hogwarts.

*

She leant back on two legs of her chair, her ankles crossed, feet resting against her cupboard door. She was drawing what appeared to be a strange hairy creature hulking inside an enclosed space. Reaching out to her side she stuck the tip of her tongue out of her mouth and frowned. She looked to where her hand was groping blindly only to find nothing there. 'Oh bugger.' She looked across the room and lifted her hand to her head. She pulled at the thin, long stick that held her hair in a knot at the base of her skull. She flicked it and snapped, 'winguardium leviosa.' The bottle of vodka floated across to her hand and she liberally poured a few shots into a glass.

The door at her feet trembled slightly. With a quick motion she took her steel toed boots and slammed her foot against it a few times. 'I'm still out here ya know.' She said with a raised voice. She looked at the full glass in her hand. 'And I never spilt a drop, how's that for talent?' Taking a long swallow the alchohol blazed a trail down her throat and she sighed happily, she flicked the radio station onto some hard rock, put the wand back in her hair and went back to her drawing.

'Still on the hard stuff then, Elayne?' Came a quiet voice to her right. She jerked forwards in her chair and shifted her weight back on the two legs in surprise. Even in the realms of magic a short sharp fall can't be averted. Her back slammed onto the chair back and her head bounced off the stone floor. She lay there for a moment, staring at the ceiling looking for everyone like a turtle turned over in the sun. 'Now that one's gonna leave a mark.' She said out loud. 

Elayne turned her head and stared quietly for a moment before crawling to her feet. Rubbing her head she came away with two halves of a wand. 'Aww damn, you can't just phone like normal people?' She asked sitting cross-legged on the floor. 'And since when can you do this with gas fires?' She asked turning the flames up on the grill. 

'Thank you. It takes some minor adjustments but it's possible. How are you finding Scotland?' Dumbledore asked her brightly, looking for all the world as if he hadn't any ulterior motive.

'Cold.' She stated. 'Lot more monsters around than expected most of those being the locals.' She looked at the wand in her hand. 'You owe me a wand.' She stated flatly.

'You can take it out of your paycheck.' She blinked slightly.

'Not that much bounty on monsters these days, granted MOM pays a hefty whack if you catch a rogue dragon or something. But I'm not gonna do that with no wand.' Elayne ran her hand through her hair and scratched her cheek with half a wand, and winced as it emitted some sparks, scorching her cheek. ''

'Ahh this is what I would like to discuss, your application for the defence against the dark arts job at Hogwarts.' She blinked.

'But I didn't send one.' Elayne said rubbing her cheek with the palm of her hand.

'That would be the problem.' She paused and looked at him. Suddenly comprehension dawned.

'No! Sorry but no I have no problems with teaching, except for the kids.' Dumbledore looked her in the eye.

'Would you rather I tell the ministry of magic about the boggart you have in your closet?' He asked and her face went flat.

'It's research.' She told him and he stared at her. 'Do you know how many times that thing insisted of scaring the crap out of me?' She said with a sullen frown, Dumbledore's face was getting more still. 'It's stress relief.' Dumbledore raised an eyebrow. 'When do you want me there?' She asked.

'Well you need to go to London to get a new wand, so you may as well come on the Hogwart express.' She muttered something incomprehensible. 'I'm sorry I didn't quite catch that?'

'I said you were you were a gosh darn nice fella and not at all a git.' She grinned brightly. 

'I'll see you at the start of the school year then. Oh, and please, don't bring the boggart.' She nodded glumly and the fire winked out. She pulled herself to her feet and walked across to the table, her mind telling her that a long stiff drink would put her right. She looked on the floor and sighed leaning back on the door. 'Shit.' She said to the pile of glass. The door behind her trembled, she brought her boot back against it almost without thinking of it.

*

'Elayne Strachan?' Snape asked Dumbledore with something akin to shock. 'I thought she was out chasing magical creatures in Romania?' Dumbledore nodded.

'She was, but the vampire trail dried up.' Serverus blinked in disbelief. 'They decided that their unlife was to be considerably extended if they got out of her vicinity. Elayne has clocked more yearly field time than any witch or wizard since leaving Hogwarts.' Dumbledore sat down opposite Snape.

'She was a vicious little wretch even then.' Snape told him, he had taught Elayne in her last year at Hogwarts. 'She was always in trouble, she had no respect for her superiors.' Dumbledore nodded.

'I expect that hasn't changed.'

'No I doubt it would have, she's not the changing kind.'

*

Platform 9 and 3/4 was bustling on the first day of term. Harry, Hermione and Ron were waiting for it to clear a bit so they could find a carriage by themselves. After four years of nigh on non-stop action, they were more than a little weary of what the new school year would bring.

'Ugh! Bloody kids!' Their heads snapped round at the swearing. A young woman was walking down the platform dragging a huge trunk behind her and she had a large cat wrapped around her neck like a stole. She was wearing a pair of black cargo pants and a red t-shirt with a 'this bitch bites' slogan emblazoned across it. A short leather jacket and a pair of combat boots completed the well it was definitely a look, just not one they had ever seen on this platform. She yanked the trunk past them and they heard muttered curses following her in a stream.

'Who was that?' Ron said quietly. Harry looked at him with a deep sense of forboding. 'Filch's replacment by the sounds of it.'

'Defence against the dark arts.' Hermione said. 'Makes a change to have a woman teaching it.' She said with a sniff.

'I have no idea what that was Hermione, but it wasn't a woman.' Ron told her. She sniffed again and gestured that they should get onto the train.

As always the train was jumping with over excited first years, plus the over excited other years, finding a seat was a crush but they found some altogether. As always it wasn't long before they saw Malfoy.

'Back for yet another term Potter? I would have thought you and your mudblood at the very least would have learnt.' His tone was scathing.

'Tell me Malfoy.' Hermione said flippantly. 'How long did it take before that mixed bag of curses was lifted off you?' Malfoy's nostrils flared.

'Thanks for reminding me.' He said pulling out his wand, Harry blinked in sudden surprise, it had reached its natural conclusion much earlier than he had anticipated. A hand reached from behind Draco and yanked his wand from his hands. 'Hey!' He exclaimed as he turned to the woman they had seen on the platform.

'Tch, I thought so, my spidey sense was tingling.' She gave him a steely look. 'So which one are you?' He stared at her in offence. 'Your name boy spit it out, I haven't got all day.'

'Draco.' He muttered. She nodded.

'I see, the no magic rule still applies on this train you know, personally I'm always up for a scrap, but if you're gonna fight at least do some real damage.' She frowned at him and jerked her head. Hermione started giggling as Draco stomped off down the corridor. 'I'd stop giggling miss or you're going to be dancing like Michel Flatly for the rest of the school year.' Hermione's face went white and she stopped instantly.

'Who's Michel Flatly?' Ron asked quietly.

'Magic folk! It was a pop culture reference.' She told him. 'As much fun as this has been, I have a loose cat somewhere on board this train.' She strolled away from them.

  
*

Elayne finally caught up with Havelock her cat as he was about to devour some kid's toad and it had now taken up residence around her neck. The train was pulling up to the quiet stop in Scotland that was only used two days out of every year. She winced as the magical resonance knocked out her cd player, that's it, no decent music for a year. She fiddled with her new wand, she went through wands like stakes through vampires chests, in fact she believed that was where the one before last had actually met its end. Elayne was a bounty hunter by trade, technically a 'magical creature enforcer' according to the ministry of magic, but it was basically kicking the shit out of anything that bites, salivates wildly and uses magic. Granted that sometimes included human beings, she'd had more than her fair share of dark wizards trying to put her down. Wizards as a breed thought with their wands too much, same with vampires actually. Granted the chainsaw didn't actually kill that vampire, but it had slowed it down a lot.

She tugged her jacket around her tightly as the train stopped, there was something about Scotland that always made her feel cold. She figured that it was probably the weather. The familiar sight of Hagrid shouting for the 'firs' years' made her smile and she strolled up to him. 'Hagrid!' She yelled and a bright grin lit his face.

'Professor Strachan.' He said smiling and she winced. 'Elayne then, fer ol' times sake.' She winked at him. 'Yer to head straight fer the castle. Dumbledore is waitin' fer yer there.' She nodded glumly. 'I'll see yer at the teachers table.' He told her before going back to shouting for his firs' years.

*

She sat back as the carriage wound it way up to the castle, which was, now she looked at it, incredibly gaudy. Like someone with no taste had decided that the landscape had needed a castle and proceeded to place the most garish one they could think of there. The carriage skidded to a halt in front of the main doors, the lights were on but the doors were closed. She climbed out of the carriage with utter inelegance and strolled across to the doors. She poked her head around as she opened them. 'Hi honey I'm home.' She said brightly. She looked across to the stairs just in front of her and saw Snape moving down them like some unholy raven and she'd seen a lot of unholy ravens in her time.

'Elayne Strachan. You're to come with me to see Dumbledore.' She blinked slightly and shrugged.

'Oh please Professor Snape, you know how uncomfortable I get when old teachers rave about me so, let's get straight down to business.' She said with a flippant grin as she climbed the stairs to where he stood. Snape looked at her calmly for a moment and turn to face her fully.

'No matter how many people you may win over with your attitude, you can be assured I won't be one of them.' He turned away from her and she smirked.

'So the crotchety, evil, teaching method still working for you then?' She asked in an amused tone.

'As much as the arrogant, egotistical, child persona seems to be working for you.' He said as he swept up the stairs in front of her. 

She paused until he was at the top before murmuring; 'Touche.' And following.  


Author's note ~ Okay please R and R if ya can... and if you don't like it... well screw ya... my fic... :-P


	2. DADA a GOGO

Snape opened the door to Dumbledore's office and stepped through before Elayne could think he was holding the door for her. She strolled through the door and Dumbledore gestured for her to take a seat after shaking hands with her. She turned to look at Snape, he was standing at the door watching her. 'You know a guard of honour isn't nessecery?' She asked him with a raised eyebrow. Snape's face clenched slightly and looked to Dumbledore. 

'I think it might be best he stays here.' The old wizard told her quietly. She looked at him suspiciously, Dumbledore recommending something could always be counted on to turn into a major point soon after. He sat back in his chair, his robes were dark purple velvet and as always he had tucked his beard into his belt, looking for all the world as if he was Gandalf on crack. 'You may be wondering why I recommended you for the defence against the dark arts job?' Elayne shook her head.

'Nope, I just figured you wanted to make my life miserable after 'recommending' me to go out and work in Romania with all those vampires.' Dumbledore nodded slightly a bit nonplussed. 'Seriously, there's going to be no rehabilitation of vampires into the magical community Dumbledore so this is just another step on the plan to make Elayne hate her life you don't seem to be getting tired of that.' She grinned wryly at him.

'You should know that what I recommend for you is for the greater good.' He said and her face twisted in distaste. 'Reguardless, I recommended you because after so much field time I believed you could easily teach the children the best field techniques and how to not rely on their wands so much.' She frowned.

'You mean you want me to teach them how to not die?' He nodded at her. 'Well that's easy you don't let the other guy hit back first I can teach them that in a day. What's the other 200 odd days of term going to be left with?' Dumbledore nodded slowly and stood up, never a good sign.

'I assume you were informed that Voldemort has risen to power once again?' He asked her softly.

'I got the memo.' She said flippantly.

'You have a great deal of experience in not dying, you also have a tendancy to help other people stay alive too. You're to impart as much of this to the students as possible, but in your spare time I request you help Professor Snape on the task I assigned to him last term.' She stared at him in surprise.

'But Professor' They both said at the same time, Dumbledore raised his hand.

'Please, your co-operation in this is the only thanks I need.' He smiled mischeviously. 'I assume you both want to go to the feast, I shall see you later.' They both stared at him for a moment, both aware they had been dismissed and both wanting to argue their inability to work together to the hilt. It was Elayne that moved first, stalking out the door muttering imprecations under her breath, Snape sweeping out behind her with an equally sour look on his face.

They looked at each other for a moment. 'Does this to you a lot does he?' Elayne asked quietly, Snape turned his sneer on her without answering and moved towards the main hall. Elayne stared at his retreating back. 'You're going to have to talk to me sometime.' She waited for a moment and followed behind him, heeding her inner child she followed exactly behind him, trying to step on the very edge of his swishing black robes.

'Would you stop that?' He hissed and turned on her. 'Dumbledore obviously seems to think I need help but why would I need help from someone as childish as you?' She didn't even flinch.

'There's a subtle difference between being in touch with your inner child and being childish.' She smirked. 'As for the help, well, not knowing what task he gave you all I can imagine myself doing is oh saving your arse, you may be a master at all the subtle magic stuff but you couldn't hack the physical stuff worth a damn.' She grinned at him slightly. 'Just say if you can't keep up now.' She turned away from him with a spring in her step.

'You might find the 'subtle magic stuff' a boon in the not to distant future when you inexplicably lose motor control.' She looked at him with a raised eyebrow and shrugged.

'Learn to take risks, Snape, it's the only thing that makes life fun.' Snape smiled maliciously.

'Oh there are other ways to have fun.'

*

Elayne sprinted down the corridor with hair flying out behind her like some demented medusa. She was late. It was Hagrid's fault, he had started her drinking at the teacher's table and then had taken her down to Hogsmeade for a few more tipples. After that the night started getting a bit blurry, she remembered singing and telling Hagrid that he was her 'fuchin best mate.' Long years of practice had stopped her being noisily sick at the school gates, she had managed to convince Professor MacGonagal that she simply wasn't feeling too well once she met her in the corridor. It had taken a lot of self will to stroll nochalently down to her room in a straight line. 

At which point she had collapsed into a dead sleep and it had been Havelock clawing at her face that had woken her for her first day of lessons. She had speed dressed and skidded out of the room, nearly flattening Professor Flitwick in her haste, she had just yelled 'sorry' over her shoulder and charged on. She burst into the classroom and hung on the door staring at the class waiting for her.

'Did I miss anything?' She asked as she got her breathing under control. They simply stared at her, or more precisely, at her clothes. She had simply changed into her muggle clothes, she hadn't worn robes since leaving Hogwarts, but still a teacher in army trousers and black t-shirt wasn't what they were used to. For some reason Elayne felt more self conscious walking to the front of the class than she had at the teachers table last night. Granted last night she had alchohol to make her feel more confidant. They stared at her like they expected her to pull a rabbit out of a hat or do some other kind of magic tricks. She paused oh right they actually were

'Well!' She said certainly and looked at them biting her lip. 'Actually this is a bit of a crap first lesson from me isn't it? I don't even know which class you lot are.' A hand was waved up at the back of the class, Elayne watched the girl for a moment. 'Yes Miss Flatly?' The girl's face twisted up for a moment in offence, Elayne had to remember that insult for when the girl was considerably pissing her off.

'Fifth year Gryffindors.' She said and Elayne nodded slowly. She shrugged and climbed up onto the desk and sat there cross legged.

'So I guess you lot have been taught the stuff I was, basic hexes, incantations and what to do if you're ever attacked maliciously by a grindylow?' She rolled her eyes. 'Okay, well, in my class you're gonna have to forget all of that. From this moment on we're going to be dealing with the real world kiddies.' She paused and fixed them with that scary gaze she used when fighting vampires, truthfully she was surprised at how well this was going. 'What have you dealt with up to now.' The same hand waving in the back. 'What's your name girl?'

'Hermione Granger.' The fuzzy haired girl told her proudly, like it should mean something to her, Elayne gestured for her to continue. 'We've studied a variety of creatures such as redcaps and werewolves and this class fought a boggert under supervised conditions.' Elayne shook her head.

'You'll find none of those in the real world I'm afraid Hermione.' The girl looked perplexed.

'I thought boggerts we' Elayne cut her off.

'I was talking about supervised conditions.' The look on the girl's face was priceless. Elayne watched the students for a moment. 'The idea in this class is to learn how to stay alive, you'll be surprised at how many people will fail this class in the long run Of course we could go into zombification after that, but I find that you tend to stop being invited to respectable dinner parties afterwards. So I prefer the not dying route of surviving death.' She looked over them and grinned. 

'It's a harsh world out there it's kill or be killed actually it's often kill or be horrifically mutilated whilst your organs are used in a magic sacrifice.' Elayne grinned wider. 'But not to worry eh? I know some pretty cool places to take you were we can run rampant on some of the local magical creature communities.' She winked happily at the suddenly petrified faces. 

'All I'm going to be teaching you is to sharpen your wits and reflexes, plus teaching you my patented techniques for kicking the arse of your average vampire.' She looked at them seriously for a moment. 'I'm sure you all know that Voldemort is out there somewhere, hopefully some of what I teach you won't ever be needed but I have practical problem for you before I dismiss you.' They looked at her for a moment and she knelt on the desk. 

'Say, after everything I've taught you, you STILL manage to get captured by a dark wizard, and if you do and you survive I'm gonna hunt you down with a stick, and be aware I'm quite dangerous with a stick. If that still happens and he has you kneeling on the floor in front of him with your hands tied up, with no wand. He's about to murmur the killing curse. What would you do?' She grinned at them sweetly. 'Oh don't worry, I'm still here aren't I!' Their eyes went completely round. 'It's not exactly the crisis situation you imagine.'

*

Snape watched the Gryffindors walk out of her class in close groups with rather large eyes muttering amongst themselves. He was only really here because Dumbledore had called him into his office this morning to inform him that Elayne really was there for a reason, that her skills were nessecery. Snape admitted to himself that she was certainly good at her job, despite the fact that her methods were risky, her reasoning shakey and the fact he couldn't stand her stupid upbeat optimism and her overly smug grin. The girl was truly a treasure, only in that she was someone you would want to see buried at the soonest possible juncture.

Snape tried to bury his resentment of her as he walked into the classroom, and he stopped and stared. She was hanging from the roof beam above her desk by one hand and one foot. The other hand was groping blindly across the beam and she was muttering something about evil little buggers. She yelped in sudden pain and growled a curse. 'Got it.' She turned her head as she brought her hand off the beam. She stared at Snape in surprise for a moment and said 'catch' throwing a little brown ball into his direction.

Serverus instinctively caught the tiny brown thing and on feeling its leathery skin he recognised it as a gnome. He stared at her and held it by the scruff of his neck before it could bite him. 'What's the idea behind this?' He said. 'Did it get away from you?' His tone was scathing. She raised an eyebrow and removed her foot from the beam and hanging upright.

'I think we have an infestation.' She looked at him with a flicker of a grin. 'Of gnomes too.' He felt his eye twitch, she always brought out the worst in him. The worst thing was he could be as nasty as he could to her and she still didn't care. She acted like it was all a big joke, maybe that's what irritated him the most, to her it was. She just didn't care what other people thought of her.

'Dumbledore asked me to fill you in with what my task is. I have a class now, but tonight I'll meet you in the teachers lounge we can go over it later. That is of course if I can keep you out of the rafters.' His face was unemotional as he stared at him and it irked him that she just shrugged.

'Right I'll remember that, in the presence of Professor Snape I must not have any fun. Gotcha.' She laughed and turned away from him.

'You'd do well not to take this so lightly.' He admonished.

'You'd do well to take it much more lightly.' She said without missing a beat. He stared at her perplexed for a moment and swept out of the room.  


Author's note ~ Altogether now MUahahahahahahahahahahahaha...


	3. What? Fisticuffs?

Serverus Snape swept down the corridors before pausing at the front of the teachers lounge, there was an extraordinary amount of laughter coming from within. He waited for a moment for a brief lull in the clamour inside before pushing the door open. He walked in on Elayne Strachan mid flow. She so had the other teachers involved in what she was saying that nobody seemed to recognise his grand entrance. 

'So there I was, hanging off the broomstick with one knee hooked over it, two red caps clinging onto my hair about a hundred feet above the' She paused and glanced at Professor Snape who was staring at her flatly. She grinned at him with a smirk. 'I guess you want me to drop everything and come with you this instant right?' Snape stared at her with quiet disgust and a flash of levity crossed her face. She smiled sadly at the other teachers. 'I'm afraid I have to cut short the story tune in next week' She grinned and there was a faint smattering of chuckles from teachers who got the joke. Snape turned on his heel and she followed him in silence until she got to the door. Elayne turned and with an exaggerated wink said 'don't wait up.' Serverus's stomach clenched as she ever so casually affronted his dignity.

'Telling the teachers stories again?' He whispered as the door swung closed on them. 'You were always good at that.' Elayne blinked at him before he moved away from her, she followed with a slightly aggrieved look.

'What? Keeping people entertained is a criminal offence now?' Her eyebrow flickered in barely contained levity. 'Oh right I forgot the 'no fun ever' rule. Must keep that one in check.' She frowned at his back as he did his best Dracula impression as he swept away from her. With a quick motion she turned her fingers into a make shift cross and hissed silently at his back.

'I saw that.' He intoned without turning his head. She blinked and ran after him.

'Okay how? How?' He remained silent as he flowed away from her as if on castors. 'Aww come on tell me' She followed him down the hall her brain working frantically.

*

He took her down to his work area in the dungeons and she looked around before stepping inside. 'And Elayne Strachan, this was your life I guess you decided that entropy was the way to go after all?' She asked him indicating the décor.

'It is useful.' He told her before taking his regular position on the podium in front of the rows of desks. She looked around the room quietly and frowned.

'Yeah I bet, have a lot of problems with werewolves around here do you?' She asked indicating the wolfsbane growing in a pot on the windowsill. He frowned at her.

'You weren't told much about your predecessors were you?' She frowned and shook her head. His head cocked slightly and if she hadn't known better she would have said his eyes were amused. 'Indeed.'

'So, what's the task I'm to assist you with?' She asked absently as she looked across the potions on his top shelf. 'Hey I know this one, it's illegal in five countries.' She stated simply taking it down off the top shelf to have a sniff. He appeared beside her and snatched the bottle with a frown.

'This being the major reason I enjoy living in Britain today.' He replaced the bottle. 'Would you consider it beyond the reach of your inner child to listen for a very short five minutes?' He asked. Elayne snorted.

'Certainly if you've gained the ability to be interesting since the time I was in your class.' She bit back at him.

'A person of greater wisdom is always difficult to listen to, I imagine you find it hard to listen to anyone.' The bitter irony that laced his voice would be cutting to nearly everyone.

'Oh be still my beating heart, Snape considers me to be a moron, and since we know how much I crave his good opinion' Except possibly Elayne.

'Now we have the pleasantries out of the way I will cut this short, considering how scintillating I find your presence.' Elayne snorted and assured him it was mutual. 'I was asked by Dumbledore after the reascension of Voldemort to get in touch with the people who are in his inner circle and assess those creatures likely to go over to his side.' He paused and waited for her response. She flicked her eyebrow lazily.

'And why you? And how would you know' She paused and looked at him, eyebrows knotting and then simply staring, slightly dumbstruck. He smiled sinisterly at her and raised his chin, thoughts were racing round her head, the main one being what she verbalised next. 'Oh that explains everything!' Snape blinked in mild surprise. 'Sorry, there was a theory amongst my year that you were Satan. You see, we weren't far off.' She grinned at him flippantly. 'Interesting, I spent months following your kind, I always wondered what made you guys tick.'

'You might have spent time working through the outer fringes of death eaters. I sincerely doubt you garnered any knowledge of how the inner circle works.' He stated simply. 'You're to assist me in all this, but, as nobody would ever truly believe that a famous bounty hunter would ever wish to become a death eater I'm afraid I will have to place you under an imperius curse if you are to asisst' He said that word with maximum distaste, 'me.'

'No, I know the sorts of things you're likely to make me do, absoloutly not, forget it.' Her face winced involuntarily.

'You judge me by your own standards.' Snape's voice was acid.

'Damn right I do, I'd adore seeing you making an arse of yourself.' She grinned. 'Well, more of an arse.'

'Well I already assume that you've already dealt with enough humiliation in your life, so that has little appeal. Of course we have the other alternative but I doubt it's an option either of us wishes to take.' She raised an eyebrow at him.

'Sorry Darth, I'm not ready to join the dark side.' She told him and at his blank look muttered something about pop culture in the wizarding community. 'There has to be another alternative.' She shifted slightly in her seat and frowned.

'If you can think of an alternative I would be happy to hear it at another time. If you can think that is.' He walked across to the door and opened it, gesturing her out. She walked stiffly past him.

'Leave you to your crypt shall I?' She asked acidly.

'And I shall leave you to telling children's fables to the other teachers.' She turned on him, a sore spot hit.

'Snape, you call me a liar again and I'm going to kick your arse.' His face stretched in a vicious little look and leaned forward.

'Elayne, you're a liar.'

*

Harry and Ron stared at each other across the bedroom after sitting up at the large bang that rocked the castle. They blinked as it was followed up with a few short shudders and both ran downstairs through the Gryffindor common room, down towards where the noise seemed to be coming from. 'Not that I'm afraid or anything but isn't a little stupid to be running in the direction of the noise, it's going to attract the teachers.' Harry winked at Ron conspiratorially and flourished the invisibility cloak. Ron hadn't realised he was carrying it, that was the problem of an invisibility cloak, it being invisible when draped over an arm and everything. He flung it across them and they made their way down to the dungeons. What they saw in a quick snatch through the doorway stunned them.

'Wasn't that Professor Strachan? Was she fixing Snape's hair or something?' Ron asked in surprise.

'I think she was doing considerably more than fixing Snapes hair Ron.' Ron's cherubic face twisted slightly.

'Eww.' Harry rolled his eyes.

'Come on, quickly.' He said running towards the door before it shut.

*

'Ack, would you put that wand away you cheating little wretch!' Elayne screamed at Snape as she ducked yet another curse and pulled out her own 'Expelliarmus.' She screamed the split second after Snape shouted the same thing. Her head snapped upwards as she followed the trajectory of her wand as it richocheted off the ceiling.

She studied him for brief moment, managing to duck the petrification curse he sent her way and sprinted for the front of the class. Elayne managed to find a small amount of cover behind the desk. She heard Snape approaching it across the room, glass crunching underfoot, she drew herself into a crouch and balanced on the palms of her hands. She saw his wand poke round the corner before he did, bloody coward, she sent her foot out and with a large crack hit the base of his hand as the curse he shot at her caught her in the face. Both bellowed in surprise and drew back slightly. Elayne felt her face and it felt moderately normal, mind you she wasn't really aware of what her face looked like from day to day.

'What the fuck did you do to me you wand dependant prick?' Her voice was slightly breathy as she tried to assess the damage, she stood up and saw Snape going after his wand that had landed close to her. 'Oh not again.' She muttered and kicked the wand under the low desk, some maintenance type person would have to unscrew it to get it out.

They stared at each other for a moment and Elayne grinned at him ferally, his eyes already searched the area for her wand and they both frowned when it seemed to have disappeared. 'Fine then Elayne, on your terms.'

'Oh it was always on my terms.' She stated snidely. 'Come on then great poobah of the death eaters, show me why I should fear you.' He sneered at her. 'Not so tough without your Oooofff.' The sharp exhalation of air as both of his hands slammed into her chest made her briefly light headed.

'I always considered your penchant for discussion idiotic.' He stated to her lifting his head, perfect for the uppercut she aimed under his chin.

'Maybe, but right now you're fighting someone who's been fighting vampires for years.' She stated as she cut his lower lip. He staggered away from her slightly getting tangled in his robes.

'Oh yes I can imagine what the vampires thought, run away, there's an anaemic girl come to poke me with a pointy stick. You must have terrified them.' His kick caught her in the side and she crashed into the desk.

'I only considered what my, good' She brought her knee around in a short pivot as he came forwards and slammed it into his stomach. 'buddy Snape would have done. Sent the vampires running.' His responding elbow to the chin was accented by his next comment.

'You probably bored them with your constant chatter.' She brought her foot down onto his leg behind his knee and he snarled. After a moment he brought his hand round in a slap across her face and they broke apart slightly.

'Oi! Bitch slap that was you fight like my mum!' Elayne shrieked and swore she heard some giggling off in the corner. 

He stared at her and she suddenly realised they were both panting heavily, Elayne wouldn't admit it but she was in a moderate amount of pain. 'I can only determine from that, your mother's fighting ability didn't rub off on her daughter.' He replied through pants and she waved his comment away as they both tried to catch their breath through the blows to the stomach they had each received.

'Fuck it, can't be arsed.' She panted. 'You win.' He nodded and went to turn away. 'Despotic wanker.' She said between pants. She hadn't truly expected the proper rugby tackle he gave her sending them both careening into some shelves. The books thundered to the floor in a steady stream and Elayne winced at the bruises forming on her back. She panted and leaned against the bookcase as she slid onto the floor wincing slightly as the odd heavy tome bounced off her head. Snape looked down at her and flopped down opposite her. Their breathing was becoming easier after a few minutes.

Elayne stuck out her hand. 'Good fight.' She said with a grin. He stared at her suspiciously.

'I don't like you.' He stated.

'I don't like you either but grant that it was a good fight.' He nodded and shook her hand. 'Interesting to work with you.' She said leaning her head back.

'Likewise.' He stared at her. 'Sort out your eyes.' He told her and she blinked. She crawled over to a mirror and frowned at the cat's eyes she had received from the curse Snape had shot into her face.

'Interesting. Where's my wand?' He pointed beside her and she frowned, certain it hadn't been there before. Picking it up she pointed it at her face. 'Oculus normalis.' She stated and felt the strange tingle as her eyes became normal again. They both looked up as the door opened and Professor MacGonagal strode in and stared at them. Elayne watched her face as she took in the scene and then stared at the two teachers. 'Why do I think Ravenclaw is gonna lose some house points for this?' She asked under her breath  


Author's note~ Welp... I enjoyed that... hope you did... they so needed that scrap... 


	4. Big brother is laughing at you

She felt the slow flicker of warmth as it spread outwards from her chest, a heavy ball of languorous heat. Elayne felt her face twitch, a soft brush against her cheek and then a steady rhythm patted out on her face. 

*Pat* *pat* *pat* *pat*

'Mphm' she muttered sleepily. A slow stretch alerted her to a slight ache in her stomach and the back of her leg but it was a slow steady ache, almost adding to the blissful feeling spread through her.

*Pat* *pat* *pat* *pat*

Slowly she roused her senses and curiousity got the better of her and she opened her eyes.

The scream she let out was piercing, the great yellow eyes that were an inch from hers looked at her disdainfully before the huge tricolour cat hopped off the bed. Elayne pushed herself onto her elbows to follow the cat with aggravated eyes. 'Yeah yeah I'm up okay.' She muttered at Havelock before he gave a great feline grin and jumped out of her bedroom window. With a groan she fell back into her bed and slowly accounted her numerous aches and pains. She had gone out for a drink after being reamed out by MacGonagol, in fact, it had been several drinks. She was never good with people who considered themselves above her, the whole thing had read like a bizarre little play. Elayne had gotten all the blame, MacGonagol hadn't seemed to have the ability to chastise Snape. 

*

Ron and Harry sat at the Gryffindor table with most of the fifth year surrounding them.

'I don't believe two teachers would be fighting each other.' Hermione told the pair of them.

'It wasn't just a fight Hermione.' Ron told them. 'It was bloody brilliant.' His face was flushed, they had managed to spell it out to most of the Gryffindor common room this morning. It had slowly gotten through to the other tables, the entire great hall was abuzz with the news. 

'We have defence against the dark arts this morning. Potions after that, you'll see.' Harry told them and then looked up. Professor Strachan had just walked into the room. 'That's the first time she's been up for breakfast since she got here.' He said, she strolled down the centre of the hall, which was quite a feat in steel toed army boots. She didn't seem that different to normal, she was even wearing a t-shirt stating across the chest 'nosy little bastard aren't you?' The only difference in her appearance was the black eye she sported with a grin.

*

Elayne yawned and checked her timetable once again. Oh joy another shot at the fifth year Gryffindors. Pity she didn't have a gun really. The teachers had been watching her, apparently the news of her battle with Snape had spread like lightening. She was waiting to be pulled up in front of Dumbledore. She had been expecting Snape to turn up for breakfast, she was not sure that anyone else had noticed they were too busy looking at her black eye. She hadn't removed it, something about black eyes always made her keep them, she considered them a learning curve. This one represented the lesson, never underestimate skinny ex dark wizards without wands. The old goat had moved faster and adapted quicker than she had thought. 'Elayne.' The deep rumbling voice broke her out of her reverie.

'Hagrid?' She stared at him blankly and then grinned. 'You got it?' She asked. And he smiled at her tapping the side of his nose.

'Sure you can handle it? I dun like the idea of exposing the children to it.' He told her and she shrugged. 

'I owe you a drink.' The wide grin split her face and she turned with an enthusiastic mini dance and strolled off to her classroom.

She flung the doors to her classroom open wide and walked in with a jaunty step until the applause started. She blinked and faltered. She made a quick judgement and strode to the front and sat on her desk. She waited until they had quieted down and tilted her head.

'What was that for?' She asked and suddenly there was silence. 'If someone doesn't tell me I'm going to start picking on people.' Her eyes crossed the classroom, always look for the guilty people or rather the people who look the most innocent. She checked her seating plan, one of these days these brats were going to have to become more than just random faces. 'Weasley, Ron.' The red head's eyes went wide.

'Me miss?' He asked. Elayne nodded. 'We were told that you and Snape had a fight.' Elayne's face remained stationary.

'And if Professor Snape and myself decide to do some sparring training what is it to the school?' Ron stared at her and bit his lip, his entire body was in the 'I am very guilty' posture and his eyes held the 'please give me a kicking' expression, or at least the expression she had always interpreted as that. She raised her voice and addressed the rest of the class. 'Professor Snape and myself are magic users that know intimately how useless magic can prove and seek to better ourselves against opponents that know will not kill us. Something you are going to learn today.' She was incredibly certain she wanted to continue with her lesson now.

She slid off the desk and wandered behind it, scooping a plastic carrier bag off the floor. It settled on the table with a heavy thunk, she put her hand inside and lifted something out of it. 'Five housepoints to the first person that can tell me what this is.' There was utter silence. 'And here's me thinking that this was a bright class.' There was one hand.

'It's a bit of rock miss.' Neville told her.

She nodded with a grin. 'First lesson of the day, simple questions are not nessecerily trick questions. In fact, this bit of rock, is actually a lump of granite, high density with a high specific gravity this means it has, what those of us in the know like to call, a high thwacking capacity. It's less likely to snap than your wands. So I'd like you to exchange your wands now.' They stared at her. 'Is this class a bit slow of thinking today? Now!' 

They wandered up in a line and Elayne soon had a rather large pile of nicely expensive wands. 'Okay, now children, follow me.' She stalked up the middle of the classroom with a bounce, which very few can combine effectively, and out of the door. They stared at her and started to file nervously after her.

*

Elayne smiled at all of them as she stepped across to the large crate. The grin on her face was enough to make even the bravest Gryffindor uncomfortable. With a delicate motion of her wand she made the solid walls of the crate fall to the grass. The Gryffindors blinked at the creature as the creature blinked back at them. Proffessor Strachen ran her hand across the head of the great leathery beast and it gave a calm, shuddery growl. Elayne's eyes flicked to them and danced. They stepped back involuntarily.

'You can always tell when she's planning something.' Hermione whispered to Harry and Ron.

'What you mean by the way she's breathing and all?' Ron asked her.

'Does anyone know what this creature is?' Elayne's voice carried across the field. For once Hermione's hand stayed firmly down, she did learn... not fast but she did. 'No-one? Very well this creature is an Erumpent. It can weigh up to a tonne, it's horn is known to be able to peirce any metal and the poison within it will make whatever it is injected into explode.' The nervous shifting from foot to foot began. 'It is resistant to most charms and curses, so even if you had your wand I doubt you'd know anything that would stop it.' She turned her back on the Erumpent and walked away ten paces.

And she smiled.

'I want you to take your rocks and throw them as hard as you can at the Erumpent.' They stared at her in silence as the expectant look on her face took them in. STrangely it was Ron that broke the silence.

'Are you cracked?' He asked in shocked surprise, whether it was surprise that he had yelled at her or surprise at what she intended was anyone's guess. 'That thing is bloody dangerous!' Her face changed imperceptably.

'Are you questioning your teacher Ron?' His face went slightly anxious. 'Are you letting your fear guide you away from what the person in charge of you has instructed you to do?' Her head tilted at him and a delicate sneer lit her face. It was a perfect Snape look, one that they couldn't know she had been practicing in front of the mirror every evening. 'What are you most afraid of? The erumpent or me?' Ron swallowed, unsure of being able to give an answer he could trust not to land him in hot water. Unfortunately, Elayne happened to be one of those people that it was better to say something rather than nothing. 'Ron, you are to be excluded from the remainder of this test, this will be reflected in your marks. You are to stay with me.'

They stared at her for a moment and Hermione put up her hand. 'You never said this was a test.'

'The dark arts do not announce their tests, neither do I. Mind how you go now.' She took hold of Ron by the scruff of his neck and dragged him away twenty paces. 'Throw your damned rocks.' She shouted.

Ron winced as the shower of rocks fell on the suddenly perturbed Erumpent. 'They aren't very good shots are they?' Elayne observed to him.

'Miss?!?' He asked alarmed and flinched as the creature began it's bellowing run into his classmates, all of whom made a mad cap dive to the sides.

'I mean not one tried to smack it between it's eyes.' Elayne told him and he shook his head in shock. The children scattered in terrified disorder and Elayne nodded with a grin as some picked up rudimentary weapons. She also frowned as Neville made his moose braying run for the entrance to hogwarts. With a quick spell from the teacher he bounced dazedly off the wall.

She began shouting in a jovial manner some encouragement, such as 'you can run faster than that!' and, perhaps Ron's favourite, 'You just aren't even trying now are you?' Ron's widening eyes began to take over his face.

She frowned as Seamus began stood in front of a tree and began yelling. 'Come and get me you hefty great pansy. I'll take ya on me own!' The Erumpent charged for the boy and ducked as the erumpent's horn got embedded in the tree. 

'Duck and cover!' Elayne yelled at them as they began celebrating. They watched in morbid fascination as the tree turned a virulent shade of purple and exploded. There was silence for a moment and Elayne picked herself up off the ground. There was a very stunned Erumpent and seamus stands in the remains of the ex tree. She grabbed her wand and pointed it at the creature. 'Optica felcia.' She commanded and it's eyes went even more unfocused... if that was even possible. 'You all failed.'

'That test was unfair!' Harry said crossing the field to face her. Elayne smirked.

'Granted...but that's life for you kid. Come to think of it, you all failed apart from Ron. His initial questioning of my desicion indictates a sense of self preservation I find admirable. 50 House points Ron, well done.' He stared at his class mates, aware that his success where they suffered wasn't going to win him any favours.

'That test was overly dangerous!' Hermione said. 'We could have been killed! What could we possibly have learned?' Elayne flicked her eyebrow in amusement.

'I would have thought that was obvious.' She said. 'Think for yourself. Do not trust that the person in charge of you isn't actually after your personal destruction. You never know when fate might catch up with you.' She grinned maliciously. 'An army of automatons is the most scary prospect in all my years of fighting the dark arts.' She laughed and dismissed the class.

*

'Did you set and erumpent on all the fifth year Gryffindors?' Elayne looked up from her copy of fantastic beats and where to find them into MacGonagall's irate face.

'Of course not.' She said dismissively and MacGonagall's face soothed a little. 'I didn't set it on all of them, I didn't set it on Ron Weasley.' She grinned.

'You could have killed one of them!' Elayne shrugged.

'Consider it natural selection then.' She looked back to her book.

'Are you even aware how close you came to exploding your students?' Elayne shrugged again. 'What would you have done if you did?' Elayne looked up and pondered for a moment.

'Caught it on videotape and sent it into Ripley's believe it or not?' Obviously not the answer MacGonagall had been expecting, her face darkened.

'Are you trying to get fired?' Elayne's face brightened.

'Could I?' She asked.

'You could get sent to Azkhaban for negligence.' Elayne raised her eyebrow.

'Yay me.' Her face was bright. 'But let's be honest. They're going to be facing stressful situations anyway. I'd much rather face an erumpent than do my N.E.W.Ts again. Your tests are artificial, are they still turning teapots into tortoises?' MacGonagall stared at her for a moment muttering how she was going to be tellking Dumbledore. Elayne rolled her eyes. 'That's right tell mummy on me!' She said mto her retreating back.

'I see you are growing your circle of friends daily.' She sighed and rubbed her face.

'Look I had a pretty good day today, if it's not important could you go anway and get involved in some auto erotic asphyxiation?' Snape sat across from her with an amused smirk.

'Much as I appreiciate the mutual wish of strangulation we shall have to desist for the time being.' She gave an exagerrated sigh.

'Well if we're always going to put off the simple pleasures in life at least give me a valid reason.' He leant back in his chair and a suddenly grave look came onto his face.

'We leave for Newcastle tonight, we're off to start on our task.' She looked at him with a frown, she's had bad experiences chasing a vampire through Geordie-land before. 'But first... I have to put you under the imperitus curse.' Elayne's shrugged.

'Whatever you wish my master.' She told him and his face went strange. 'Just getting in practice. Well if there is no changing it I guess I might as well get it over with.'


End file.
